Suviving in a Post-Apocalyptic World

	June 9, 2009
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With markets collapsing, energy costs skyrocketing, and personal freedoms disappearing faster than you can say Habeus Corpus, it’s clear that the end of the world is coming, and coming quickly. So how prepared are you going to be when civilization starts tumbling down around our ears and what’s left of humanity is plunged into an anarchy-fueled kill orgy? If you’re like most people, you will find yourself ruefully unprepared for the coming apocalypse. Luckily for you, we’ve assembled this handy guide, which will take you from prey to predator in this exciting/terrifying new world.

The Environment

A lot of things could have caused the end of civilization, from a limited nuclear exchange, to total economic disaster, from a global pandemic to a complete ecological collapse. Because we don’t know exactly what will cause the downfall of civilization, it’s hard to know exactly what the environment will be like. Nevertheless, we should speculate with reckless abandon.

If civilization dies because of some sort of nuclear Armageddon, you’re going to have to be on the lookout for clouds of fallout, undetonated nuclear devices, and lots and lots of irradiated soil and ground water. Come to think of it, you might want to add a Geiger counter and an HAZMAT suit to your Christmas list this year. Getting around after nuclear war is going to present some problems as well, since electro-magnetic pulses from the atomic explosions are going to play hell with vehicles’ electronic systems, while all the blast craters are going to turn our generally smooth infrastructure into a hellish moonscape.

Just because there’s no noticeable environmental change when most of the human population is wiped out by a virulent strain of drug-resistant super-flu doesn’t mean you’re on easy street. We live in a very complex world that required a hell of a lot of maintenance to keep up and running. If 95% of the people disappear suddenly, systems are going to start breaking down in a goddamn hurry. The means that after only a few short months things are going to start falling the hell apart, so be prepared for everything from nuclear reactors leaking radiation to clogged sewers backing up into the streets.

Ecological collapse could completely change the world as we know it. No, up won’t become down and dogs and cats won’t start living together, but you’ll still see some pretty significant changes. For example, if ocean levels rise, everyone who can afford that nice beachfront property will probably be underwater, which will be nice for the rest of us. Look out for wildly unpredictable changes in climate, with a drastic increase in severe weather. That means that, even though you live in Nebraska, you’re going to have to be prepared for a hurricane to show up right in the middle of that erupting mega-volcano.

For whatever reason, seeing civilization come to a sudden and abrupt end often makes survivors wistful of simpler days. People can get nostalgic and start embracing older ways of doing things, like living in castles, weaving tapestries, and wearing armor. That’s right, with the right kind of apocalyptic event, civilization could be plunged, both literally and figuratively, into a new dark age. That means you’d better brush up on your sword-fighting and horse-riding skills, because you’re going to need them.

Despite the uncertainty, know that the new world is going to be a hostile, unforgiving place. Food and water will no doubt be difficult to come by, as will reliable shelter and transportation. Also, if I was a betting man, I would say that things are going to be either very cold, or very hot, so plan accordingly.

Food and Drink

Boy, I sure hope you like canned goods, because fresh fruits, vegetables, and proteins are probably going to be pretty hard to come by. Sure, you might think you’ll be able to grow/raise all of your own food, but if you’re like most of the people in the civilized world, you have absolutely no clue how to do so. Therefore you will almost certainly starve to death before surmounting the learning curve unless, of course, you supplement your meager diet with Spam and Hot Dog Chili.

It’s a wise idea to start stocking up on non-perishable foodstuffs as soon as possible, because hitting up the local Wal-Mart in the middle of humanity’s death knell is just not a good idea. Not only will things be even more chaotic than Wal-Mart generally is, but you’re not going to be the only person who comes up with the idea. That means fighting through giant, and probably well-armed crowds of people who are doing their damnedest to ensure that they don’t starve to death. If you’ve got a nice stash at home you can wait out the melee, and simply show up a few weeks later and take what you need amidst the broken and mutilated carcasses of your former friends and neighbors.

Once the initial bloodshed has petered out, you’ll be ready to ease into the madcap life of day-to-day survival in the post-apocalyptic world. When you’re scavenging for food in the ruins of once great cathedrals of consumerism, be sure to select a good variety of canned goods so as to stave off malnourishment and other fun conditions like scurvy. You’ll also want to select the cans that are in the best condition, but try not to be too picky. For instance, you’ll want to avoid the can that’s obviously bulging with a healthy colony of botulism, but don’t pass over a perfectly good looking can just because it’s missing a label. After all, surprises are fun.

Eventually and despite your best efforts, the subject of cannibalism will no doubt surface. Generally, you’re going to be on the “prey” side of the cannibalism debate, and will almost certainly be arguing against its practice, however you will occasionally find yourself starving with naught but a fellow human being sate your ravenous hunger. In cases such as these you will have to trust your survival instinct, and make a meal of your fellow man. It won’t be pleasant for either of you, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Shelter

One of the most basic human needs, right below food, water, and oxygen, is shelter from the elements. And when those elements include copious amounts of bullets fired from hostile guns, nuclear fallout, and packs of wild animals, reliable and secure shelter becomes all the more important.

A shelter can be as simple as a hastily constructed lean-to to keep you out of the storm of acid rain, to as complex as a subterranean mega-fortress complete with a working subway system and fully-operational gun turrets. The important thing is that it keeps you out of the elements and relatively safe from all the nasty people and animals who are doing their best to make the end days as intolerable as possible for everyone else.

Humanity, as has been observed by countless super-villains throughout history, is a hard nut to crack, so you can count on some small pockets of civilization surviving whatever cataclysm took out the rest of the world. These tiny hamlets can be built in the remains of once glorious cities, suspended above the ground in impressively constructed tree-fortresses, or even out to sea on converted ships or oil rigs. One thing is for sure: there will be windmills. There are always windmills.

If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to pass whatever deranged citizenship rituals they require and be allowed to stay in the relative safety of a city. These tests can range from surviving a certain amount of fights in the gladiatorial ring, to slaying the local raider warlord and presenting his black heart to the village elders, or even going on a dream quest after a week of fasting and ingesting copious doses of whatever local psychotropic drug is available. While these obstacles may seem overwhelming, it’s generally worthwhile to submit yourself to them.

If you can’t gain permanent residence, all is not lost. There are always nomadic bands surviving on the fringe of the wasteland, or you could even be the lone wolf and go it alone. Both options have their pros and cons.

With the nomadic gang, your shelter is never permanent, which means any ideas of farming or fortification go right out the window. Of course that also means that you don’t have to abandoned everything when a colony of giant super-intelligent ants shows up at your door, so that’s a plus.

If you decide to go it alone, you’re going to want your shelter to be as nondescript as possible. If there’s any way to make if look like no one actually lives there, do so. Otherwise all the horrible, horrible people and monsters of the wasteland are going to stop by for a bite (a bite of you, in case that wasn’t already implied strongly enough). Your best bet is going to be some sort of underground lair, preferably with a hidden entrance, and with at least one hidden escape tunnel.

Transportation

Since gasoline will no doubt be very difficult to find, you’ll need to change your habits when it comes to transportation. First thing’s first, get rid of that silly Honda Civic Hybrid and invest in an old, beat-up muscle car. I know, it seems counter-intuitive, but that’s what you’re going to need to do, so stop arguing and get on it. Okay, I suppose you need some concrete reasons. Consider this: everyone else is going to be cruising around in suped-up monster cars, and since they’ll probably be chasing you with thoughts of cannibalism on their mind, you’re going to want to be able to escape, or at least make them work for their meal. You’re not going to do that in a subcompact commuter.

Now you can’t just run out and grab any old Roadrunner or Chevelle and call it a day. You’re going to need to put some real work and effort into your ride. To begin with, you can’t be driving around in a shiny, candy-apple red car. That will draw far too much attention, so you’re going to need to repaint it a matte black or charcoal gray. Not only will this blend in better with the charred hellscape of the near future, it will also look pretty damn cool. Since safety in an important consideration, you’re going to want to install a lot of aftermarket modifications, such as roll cages, push bars, bulletproof windows, and maybe even a hood-mounted Gatling gun. Looking to make a dramatic entrance? Try making a human skull into a hood ornament.

Beyond practical and safety considerations, you’re also going to want to personalize your car in an aesthetic sense. Make it your own, and I don’t mean just slapping a witty bumper sticker in the back window. You’re going to want to give your car a name, and paint it lovingly on the side. Put some thought into your car’s name, because you’re going to be stuck with it. I would advise either a woman’s name, like Helen, Carol, or Yvette, or some sort of badass sounding title, like Death Machine II, The Disembowler, or The Orphanage Destroyer.

Speed not your thing? Well good thing for you there are other options available, by which I mean improvised tanks. Start with any large, hardy vehicle, from the simple municipal bus all the way up to your heavier bulldozers. Make sure that it’s in good mechanical shape, and then start welding a bunch of shit to it. Start with plates of metal to make it completely impervious, or at least as impervious as possible. Once your vehicle is nice and heavily armored, it’s time to start adding a bunch of spikes and gun emplacements. Don’t be afraid to get creative.

If you don’t like the idea of a muscle car or an improvised tank, then your options are fairly limited. You’re going to need to get your hands on a biplane, a hot air balloon/zeppelin, or a motorcycle with a sidecar. Otherwise, you’re going to be walking, and you don’t want to be walking when a gang of thrill-kill crazies looking for a good time shows up on the horizon in their super charged death-mobiles.

Clothing

For those of you who care a lot about fashion, this section is for you. In the near-future wasteland, polo shirts and khakis aren’t going to cut it. You’re going to need clothing tough enough to survive anything. Judging from what I’ve seen of post-apocalyptic fashion, you’re going to have about three choices for clothing styles: S&M, steampunk, or a bizarre amalgamation of biker leather, sports equipment, and 80’s punk vintage. So that you’ll fully understand your options, let’s discuss each in detail.

The S&M motif is a popular choice, and I can see why. Leather keeps you warm, and tends to be quite durable. Also, people generally aren’t going to mess with a man dressed in a black latex body suit covered in spikes and zippers and carrying a three foot dildo and a cat o’nine tails. The nice thing about the S&M look is that it’s relatively easy to come by. One needs only to wander into a sex shop in some seedy neighborhood to find a thriving subculture of people who are into this look. If you’re planning to go S&M in the wasteland, you might as well start picking out your ensemble now. I’d advise starting with something simple, such as a leather mask with a zipper for a mouth, and building up from there.

Steampunk may be a term some of you are unfamiliar with, so let’s start with a quick description. Imagine the look and technology of Victorian-era England, brought forth into a modern apocalyptic scenario. Things will have a lot of home-made elements, utilizing a lot of brass and worn leather. Goggles will almost certainly be worn. This is the perfect look for the modern gadgeteer trying to survive while the rest of civilization is circling the drain.

Last, but certainly not least, we’ve got our biker/sports/punk combination. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when the Armageddon comes, I’m going to face it wearing hockey pads with leather pants and a bright green Mohawk, because that’s how I roll. I like this aesthetic because it gives you a lot of options to toy with, unlike, say S&M. Want to wear that duster jacket with the bitchin’ skull on that back with shoulder pads and spiked bracelets? No problem! Assless chaps, a denim vest, and a catcher’s mask? Go for it! The choice is yours.

Now that you’ve got your basic outfit sorted out, I’ve only got three words for you: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. Since we’re talking post-apocalyptia here, you can’t just pull out the Bedazzler and start adding sequins to everything. Your accessories should be both functional and intimidating, which means you’re going to want to have a lot of spiky things. If you go the intimidation route, few things send a stronger message than bones and other body parts. You’ll be the talk of the wasteland if you show up to the party wearing nothing but a necklace made of ears and holding a chalice lovingly crafted from a human skull.

While form should generally follow function in the post-apocalyptic world, don’t be afraid to take a few risks with your wardrobe. The world may have gone to shit, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look fabulous.

Self Defense and Weapons

Sooner or later you’re going to have to face down some pretty mean hombres, and possibly some nuclear mutant-types, so you’ll want to be prepared. Once the shit hits the fan, you’re no longer going to be able to count on organized law enforcement if you get in trouble. That means you’re going to have to be pretty self-reliant.

In terms of self-defense, guns are always a great choice, so stock up on as many guns and as much ammo as you can. Guns are nice because they do a lot of damage, are comparatively compact, and fairly simple to use. Of course, if you can’t hit the broad side of a barn at twenty paces, the nicest gun in the world isn’t going to do you a hell of a lot of good, so get practicing now.

However, ammunition might be very hard to come by in the irradiated wasteland of the post-apocalyptic world. So what do you do? I’ll tell you what you do: you get creative, you think like a pioneer. If a pioneer without a gun had to tangle with packs of feral dogs, or roving bands of cannibal anarchists, he would simply improvise some sort of weapon.

Now you don’t have to get fancy or complicated here. Remember, effectiveness is the name of the game. If your complex steam-powered canon fails you in the moment of truth, then what good is it? A simple baseball bat with some spikes driven through it is a great start. It will take out most adversaries, and is quite intimidating looking to boot.

Before too long, you’ll want to start thinking about keeping the bad guys at a distance. There’s no sense letting them get close enough to potentially get you while you’re swinging your bat, ol’spikey. Here’s where you need to get a little medieval by trying out a bow or crossbow. If you’re lucky you can find one in working condition in a sporting goods store, but don’t get discouraged if you have to build one yourself. It might take a little trial and error (make sure you try it out on some practice targets before using it to face down a pack of wild dogs), but it’ll be well worth it in the end.

And don’t forget about explosives. With only the most basic understanding of chemistry you should be able to craft up some improvised explosives to use as traps or to slow down your pursuers. Plus, there’s nothing like watching something blow-up to raise your spirits after a tough day of fighting to survive.

Dealing with Hostiles

Unfortunately, you won’t have the luxury of only worrying about procuring sustenance, shelter, and transportation since you’re also going to have to be concerned about roving gangs of cannibals and ruffians who will do all sorts of horrible things to you and your loved ones. And let’s not forget all the feral dogs, children, and atomic monsters.

Bad guys are going to come in a variety of flavors in the post apocalyptic world. On one side of the spectrum you’ll find crazy loners who travel around and cause trouble just because they can, and also because they’re batshit crazy. On the other side you’ll find organized gangs of marauders who operate with almost military precision. And in between you’ll have everything from shell shocked survivalists who shoot first and ask questions whenever they get around to it, to mutated super-insects who know nothing of love, but only of carnage.

Odds are you’re going to be outnumbered and/or outgunned in pretty much every encounter with the bad guys, so the only way you’re going to survive is by out-thinking them. Instead of bravely facing them down in a fair fight, where you will almost certainly lose and get turned into a quick meal, fight dirty. Better still, don’t fight at all. When you fight, there’s always a chance you’ll lose, no matter how dirty you fight, so avoiding confrontation is generally the best way to go.

Sometimes avoidance just isn’t an option. That’s when it’s time to pull out the cheater’s arsenal: the sucker punch, the savage kick to the balls, sand in their eyes, the blind pot shot, etc. If at all possible, make use of a crazy hall of mirror confuse your enemy. After the apocalypse, there are no more gentlemanly matches of fisticuffs; it’s prison rules, so make them your bitch before they make you theirs.

Keeping fights on your own turf is a good way to increase your opportunities to both cheat and to avoid some confrontations outright. And just how do you manage that? Two simple words: booby traps. Think like the Vietcong; you’ll have a lot fewer GIs to fight if half of them have fallen into pits full of spikes or had their legs blown off by landmines.

Companions

Now no one says that you have to team up to get through the apocalypse, but a lot of people do. It can get awfully lonely, not to mention dangerous going it alone. As with clothing, you’ve got a lot of options as far as companionship goes, so when you’re sick of being the loan warrior riding the empty streets of the wasteland, you’ve got some choices to make.

The simplest choice for a young survivor on the go is a dog, preferably a German Shepherd. Dogs give you a lot of bang for your buck. They’ll eat or drink pretty much anything, they’re loyal, hard working, make excellent alarms, and help to keep your spirits up. Also, if you get hungry enough you can always eat them.

A member of the opposite sex, or the same sex if that’s your thing, has some very obvious benefits, by which I mean that you can have sex with them. Having an actual person with whom you can converse, as opposed to a dog who’s communication is fairly limited (unless it’s a mutated, super-intelligent dog, of course), is also a major psychological aid. Also, if you get hungry enough, you can always eat them.

Sometimes your companion will have to be someone you’re not sleeping with, which is fine, although far from ideal. That’s not to say there aren’t benefits. For example, it’s hard to have a lover’s spat with some three hundred pound goon who speaks broken English between diatribes of what you can only assume to be curses and racial epithets in Russian. It’s also easier to maintain a fair division of labor with someone with whom you’re not romantically entangled; they can never say, “Honey, if you go face down that ten foot spider, I’ll give you a killer back rub.” And, of course if you get hungry enough, you can always eat them.

At some point during your travels you will probably come across a feral child, or possibly or whole pack of feral children. You might be tempted to let them come with you so that you can take care of them. Avoid this temptation at all costs. Children are notoriously unreliable, won’t do as much work as an adult, and will be a liability when facing hostiles. Plus, everyone else in the wasteland will think you’re some sort of creepy pedophile, and may attack on sight. Sure, you can eat children too, but it’s just not worth the trouble.

Careers in the Post-Apocalyptic World

Just like today, surviving the post-apocalyptic world is going to be a rat race, except in this case the rats may have grown considerably in size, intelligence, and aggression due to all the radiation. At any rate, you’re going to need a way to put food on your plate somehow.

When you think of careers after the shit hits the fan, think low-tech. There simply won’t be a whole lot of demand for web designers, software developers, or network engineers. Along the same lines, the career you choose is going to have give people some sort of real, tangible benefit, so you can forget about being an interior decorator, nail technician, or attorney. Our society is an extremely complicated one, with many different levels of complexity when it comes to the job market. Once Armageddon begins things are going to get a hell of a lot simpler, and the economy will go back to more or less what we had during the early middle ages in Europe, only with a lot more mutants and a lot fewer court jesters.

Since jobs are going to revert to their most basic level, your average Joe is probably going to be a farmer, a hunter, a gatherer, or some combination thereof. With any luck, you won’t be an average Joe, allowing you to pursue some of these exciting opportunities.

• Wandering Merchant – Travel from town to town, hawking your wares to pockets of survivors, while buying other stuff back. With any luck you’ll make enough in the difference to get some food and maybe a hooker every now and then.
• Mercenary – If you’ve got an aptitude for violence, you could do a lot worse for yourself than good, honest mercenary work.
• Eccentric Inventor – If you chose Steampunk as your preferred manner of dress, and hot air balloon as your primary means of travel, then Eccentric Inventory is undoubtedly the career path for you.
• Lackey – Think you’d make a good bad guy, but don’t quite have what it takes to lead a gang of violence-fueled ruffians? Consider being a Lackey. Think of it as a management training program for ne’er-do-wells.
• Snake Tamer – Just like the world of today, someone needs to be out there, taming snakes and teaching them to attack passers-by who wander too close to your camp.
• Gladiator – Win the favor of the fickle crowd by savagely mauling your opponent. A great career for out-of-door types.
• Amateur Archaeologist/Scavenger – Someone is going to need to pick the bones of our dead civilization, so why not you? Imagine the fun you’ll have rummaging through all the useless gadgets to try to find something with some intrinsic value.
• Entertainer – People are going to be mighty depressed, what with the total collapse of global society and all, so they’re going to need someone to cheer them up. In exchange for you performing magic tricks or singing top forty music on a homemade guitar, they’ll probably agree not kill and eat you.
• Slave Trader – Profit from human misery!
• Raider – Do you enjoy breaking things, stealing stuff, and killing people? Be a raider and be your own boss. Franchise opportunities abound.
• Prostitute – If the oldest profession can’t survive the apocalypse, you sure as hell aren’t going to. So swallow your pride and put on a smile, big guy, you’ve got some Johns to please.

Conclusion

Now that you’ve read this guide, you’re ready to set foot into the post-apocalyptic wasteland with a little confidence. Sure, you’ll probably still be killed immediately by the first giant spider you come across. That’s just the sad reality of things. However, with a lot luck and strict adherence to this guide, you just might make it.

Me? I’ll be sitting comfortably in my subterranean fortress, reclining on my throne made of human skulls and enjoying whatever I’ve managed to scavenge from the bones of our once mighty civilization. If you drop by, keep a sharp eye, because I’ve booby trapped the shit out of this place.

Via: Delsquacho